Alec Mendoza - Why my Sexuality and Gender Identity is important to me

Hi, my name is Alec Xander Reese Mendoza, and this is my journey of self-discovery. My journey started in 2013 when I attended my first pride event in Cardiff. I went there believing I was straight but left questioning my own sexuality, although thinking back I think I knew I was different from around the age of maybe 14/15. I was part of the Young Women’s group in my local Morman Church at the time and when discussing the topic of boys, much to my sisters horror I blurted out that I couldn’t imagine having sex with a boy (I believe my choice of words was more descriptive, but I am not going to repeat them here.)

Flash forward a few years I began to think I might be lesbian as I found myself attracted to woman. I will never forget the day I came out as such to my best and closest friend. I was so nervous about telling her for fear of her thinking I meant I was attracted to her or worse rejection and the end of the friendship. I soon realized that wasn’t right, but the topic didn’t surface again until I attended a convention in Nottingham in May 2020. I jokingly said to my friend “Most of my friends are in the LGBTQ+ community.” Her response was “Are you sure you aren’t?” This led to a long discussion in the middle of Macdonald’s where the two asked me questions about what I liked, whether I was attracted to men or women and what my preferences were. I walked away from that discussion with the knowledge that I was Asexual. This was the domino to fall which lead to my discovering my "true self". In the October of that year, out of plain curiosity, I purchase a chest binder off Wish and when I arrived, and I put it on for the first time it made me realize that I didn’t identify with my gender at birth but that I was Non-binary. This in itself was a huge revelation and I finally started to feel more like me, if that makes sense. I cut my long hair short and changed my name to Alexis Rylie Fisher. I stayed that way for about a year before deciding Alexis was ‘too girly’ and changed my name again to Scarlet Ziya Naoki Mendoza.

This wasn’t the end of my journey however as about 6/7 months ago while discussing gender and dysphoria with my mother I made the startling realization that I was actually transgender because I prefer to present as male, as opposed to my own gender of female. At first, I was hesitant to use the word Transgender as my understanding of the term meant someone who felt they were born the wrong gender. After a discussion with my sister, where she pointed out the full meaning of the term. It describes people whose gender identity or expression does not match the sex they were assigned at birth.

However, this realization opened up a host of problems in my own mind as being a part of the Morman Church a woman’s role in the home and family was pressed on me. I can remember the elderly couple who used to drive us to church every week the elderly gentleman used to ask his wife almost every week when we would be “off the shelf” in terms of being married and having children of our own, bear in mind I was still in my teens at the time. It wasn’t until having a talk with my sister did, I realized how much this religious upbringing had affected me, but I realized that it made it harder for me to accept myself because it went against everything I was taught and believed growing up. It was talking with her and my brother-in-law that helped me deal with those feelings and learn to accept myself as I am, not fit myself into a box of anyone else’s design.

The final piece that fell into place was when researching other terms, I discovered the term Lithromantic, which basically means that I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship only in theory instead of preferring companionship or a platonic relationship. I finally felt complete and that I had discovered my true self. I have never been happier with who I am than I am now. The ability to have the freedom to be who am truly am and love who I want to love is so important because it is a huge part of who I am and it’s not something I could or want to hide because it would negatively impact my own mental health.

So, for anyone out there who is struggling to accept who they are, know this: You are perfect just the way you are! Your thoughts and feelings are valid!