Forgiveness
There is a song in the Book of Mormon Musical Called “Turn it Off” where different characters sing about how they “switch off” their emotions/feelings when facing challenges like death, abuse, or being gay. The joke being how LDS members are conditioned to use thought-stopping techniques to gloss over or ignore difficult situations so they can (at least on the surface) appear as happy, functional people.
“I got a feeling
That you could be feeling
A whole lot better than you feel today
You say you got a problem
Well that’s no problem
It’s super easy not to feel that way
When you start to get confused
Because of thoughts in your head
Don’t feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead
Turn it off, like a light switch
Just go click!
It’s a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When you’re feeling certain feelings
That just don’t seem right
Treat those pesky feelings
Like a reading light
And turn ‘em off”
Every time I hear a talk about forgiveness or how people must look for blessings when they are facing devastating or life-altering situations it reminds me of this tendency. The problem is not that there is something wrong with looking for the bright side of life, but rather the issue is insisting people must be happy or feel blessed during these times, this is a toxic trait.
Grief, sorrow, despair, and feelings of being alone or abandoned are all normal feelings and part of a process to grieve, adapt, and heal. They are indications that someone might need additional support to help them process the situation and move forward in the best way for them. Trying to bypass these processes and push these feeling away can cause people to feel worse as they are not recognising the warning signs or looking to process the emotions healthily. It can be especially difficult when someone is struggling and they are seeing examples of people who claim to feel blessed and happy after a traumatic event when they themselves do not feel the same way - it can lead to them feeling worse about themselves for not being able to turn off the negative emotions.
Unfortunately, in many talks this ability to “turn it off” is associated with the relationship an individual has with God and Jesus Christ, and how willing they are to “turn things over to Christ”. That is to say, if you go through a difficult time and feel negative emotions then this is a negative reflection on your relationship with God, clearly you aren’t praying hard enough, going to the temple enough, reading your scriptures enough, attending meetings enough (or listening with intent). Even though these feelings are arguably a necessary and inevitable part of life, LDS members are made to feel like having these struggles is a reflection of their spirituality and if they only tried harder they would feel better. This is simply not true.
When it comes to the idea of forgiveness the same sort of narrative is used, but additional consequences for the victim are intrinsically linked with the “choice” to not forgive the person who wronged them. The following chapters will address the LDS definition of forgiveness, and how their narrative of simply choosing to forgive is not only harmful to victims of abuse, but it can also lead to the offender continuing their bad behaviours. These chapters may be challenging to read but they are important to understanding the consequences of what is essentially forced forgiveness.
It is also worth saying that anyone who has experienced abuse in any form would likely benefit from therapy. Talking through your experience with a licensed (and preferably secular) therapist can help you to heal and better manage your triggers, intrusive thoughts, or negative feelings you have. I am not a therapist and I am only speaking from personal experience and the experiences that others have shared with me, but it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life without forgiving someone who wronged you.
Defining Forgiveness
This was an incredibly challenging article to write because not only can people generally have different ideas as to what forgiveness entails, but there are nuances in the definition of forgiveness within the LDS church belief system which means the concept is different to the understanding that a non-member may have.
The definitions provided below are collected from the Collins Dictionary definition and the American Psychological Association (APA), and articles or talks directly from the LDS website.
LDS Definition
To forgive is a divine attribute. It is to pardon or excuse someone from blame for an offense or misdeed.
In addition to seeking forgiveness for our own sins, we must be willing to forgive others. The Lord said: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:9–10).
We should pray for strength to forgive those who have wronged us, and we should abandon feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. We should also look for the good in others rather than focusing on their faults and magnifying their weaknesses. God will be the judge of others’ harmful actions.
General Definition
Forgiveness involves willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way.
Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior, so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.
American Psychological Association
1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)
2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc)
Collins Dictionary
I think it is important to understand that forgiveness in the lens of the LDS religion is not just an option someone has, it is seen as a mandatory action that needs to be performed, no matter the offence. Unfortunately, other than to earnestly pray there is no advice given on how someone can move past feelings of betrayal, or injury, or how they can recover from trauma. Unlike the APA definition which recognises the personal transformation that is required the LDS guidance implies that to forgive is as simple as deciding to forgive.
For the purpose of this article we will be defining forgiveness using the LDS explanation that to forgive is to “pardon or excuse someone from blame for an offence or misdeed…and we should abandon feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. We should also look for the good in others rather than focusing on their faults and magnifying their weaknesses”.
LDS Views on Forgiveness
Historically the LDS church has held a firm view on the necessity of forgiveness. Doctrine and Covenants 64:9–10 states “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men”. Over the years there have been many talks at general conferences, firesides, and even BYU that have covered the topic, each similar in their narrative.
In his 2018 Christmas Devotional President Russell M. Nelson stated
“Through His infinite Atonement, you can forgive those who have hurt you and who may never accept responsibility for their cruelty to you.
It is usually easy to forgive one who sincerely and humbly seeks your forgiveness. But the Savior will grant you the ability to forgive anyone who has mistreated you in any way. Then their hurtful acts can no longer canker your soul”.
During the 2021 General Conference Elder Alfred Kyungu spoke on qualities of the Saviour, of of which being forgiveness. Kyungu advised that “forgiveness sets us free and makes us worthy to partake of the sacrament every Sunday. Forgiveness is required for us to be truly disciples of Jesus Christ”.
In another General Conference talk Henry B. Eyring had the below to say,
“…the world might be willing to excuse our bad behavior because those around us behave badly. It is not true that the behavior of others removes our responsibility for our own. God’s standards for our behavior are unchanged whether or not others choose to rise to them.
That becomes especially difficult when others hurt us and we feel justified in our anger. It is a lie that our anger justifies our impulse to hurt or ignore our antagonists. We are to forgive to be forgiven. To wait for them to repent before we forgive and repent is to allow them to choose for us a delay which could cost us happiness here and hereafter”.
Whenever the topic of forgiveness is brought up in these talks they always seem to have two main focus points, the idea that because of the Atonement we do not need to hold grievances against someone who has wronged us as Christ has forgiven all our sins and its not our place to judge. They also seem to put a lot of focus on the idea that the victim of bad behaviour will themselves be worse off physically and spiritually if they do not choose to forgive wrongdoings.
There are many more talks on this topic going back decades, each of them similar in narrative, that we must all forgive any sins committed against us if we are to lead happy, fulfilling, and gospel-led lives. There is an idea that if we do not work to forgive those who have wronged us we will be miserable, unhappy, and ungodly - but this is not true.
There are so many reasons why someone can become angry, or unhappy with themselves or the world around them and the root cause should be addressed carefully and with kindness and understanding - especially when we are talking about people living with the trauma of abuse. What doesn’t help is leaders telling people to move on, forget the incident, think of how they have been blessed, and choose to be happy. Pushing away all of the hard feelings like anger, fear, guilt, or disgust does not deal with the actual incident and it does nothing to create coping mechanisms or create a feeling of self-love and appreciation.
Not forgiving someone does not mean you have to foster feelings of hatred towards them. It does not make you a terrible person and it doesn’t stop you from moving forward with your life. Not forgiving someone does not have to be tied to all of the negative feelings that the LDS church often ties to it. In 2022 Kristen M. Yee gave a talk at a General Conference on the “Healing Path of Forgiveness” where she talked about her own experience of growing up in a home where she “didn’t always feel safe because of emotional and verbal mistreatment”, she goes on to explain that while in her youth she resented her father and had anger in her heart for the hurt that over the years she was able to “find peace and healing on the path of forgiveness, I came to realize in a profound way that the same Son of God who atoned for my sins is the same Redeemer who will also save those who have deeply hurt me. I could not truly believe the first truth without believing the second”.
She quotes Russell M. Nelson the above statement about the Atonement and then goes on to quote Richard G. Scott saying “you cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge our heart and mind of the poison of hate”. This quote is from the talk mentioned above where Scott also said “the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for the abuse. Your priesthood leader will help assess your responsibility so that, if needed, it can be addressed…no matter what degree of responsibility, from absolutely none to increasing consent, the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ can provide a complete cure”.
Forgiveness and finding a path forward after experiencing abuse is difficult and while experiences can be similar everyone's experience is different. No one has the right to tell you how to feel, or what the appropriate response to trauma is. This is something that each individual deals with on a personal level and it should be up to the individual if they want to forgive someone who has abused them. The LDS agenda of forgiveness is built on the false premise that forgiveness is required when in fact it isn't, you get to decide how you respond and no one has the right to take the away from you.
